| An old friend mentioned she'd been posting on here as of late. I'd completely forgotten and neglected this thing. Although it is true that no one really reads this anymore, I find it difficult to be completely open and honest. I am going to try.
I feel useless. Completely. I am 21 years old, living with my mother, unemployed, with a revoked license, and absofuckinglutely no direction. I do have a wonderful boyfriend of almost six months who I love dearly, and that helps. But I feel like I'm stuck, mentally and physically stuck, with no idea how to get myself out of this. I do plan to return to college in the fall. Perhaps that will help me figure some things out. Who knows.
I have also allowed myself to get huge and fat again. Okay, so I know I'm not huge. But this is really big for me. Apparently all the weight I've gained is in my boobs and ass, a bit in the thighs as well, which Randy loves.... but I can't handle trying on clothes that fit me last summer and feeling them get stuck around my hips. I miss seeing my hip bones, my ribs, my spine. I hate sleeping at night and being able to grab onto the fleshy body I've acquired. I feel like I've lost my control. I'm up to 125 again, and on a 5'4 frame, I just feel like that's too much. Especially for swimsuit season. BLAH.
Must go. I think someone is here and I've not even showered today. I may come back to this. I may let it go.
I'm stagnating. I need a rescue rope.
<3
michelle
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| This is going to be that journal from now on, I think.
Is there a way to explain this chasm that just formed in the middle of my happiness? I can't even hold my head up anymore. I just want to sleep. That's all.
Haven't been eating properly. Just can't seem to make myself hungry. Oh well.
time ran backward
and i imagined
i could lose myself
(in you)
the way i was lost
inside the womb
never needing anyone
else to come
and find me.
We were so naive. I'll never have that. I'm flawed.
Oh boo hoo, fuck this. I'm going to take a shower and smoke a few more cigarettes. Smoke this thing out.
-Michelle
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| I'm gonna buy a gun and start a war.
If you can tell me something worth fighting for..
---
Woodridge sounds pretty fucking peaceful lately.
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| People actually still read this thing. Apparently. So I'll post. I'm going deaf. Found that out yesterday. I'm already almost completely deaf in my left ear. Will be completely deaf by the time I'm 35 or 40. You know, that really sucks. For someone like me. I can't imagine what life will be like if I can't hear music. Hopefully there will be some advances in hearing aide technology by then or something. Because that makes me really mad. Further proof that god hates me. At least I won't be able to hear these assholes cussing at me anymore. I'm at work, gotta go. Hope your life is going well. I miss you. -Me |
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| I'm so bored with everything. |
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